A Week’s Account of Dietary Rebellion Post-Restriction

23 Sep

Going off the Rails –

As per tradition, after following a diet to the letter like a good soldier, it’s time to reward myself for my deprivation. This is what happens when I get a nasty case of the “fuck its”, when the FODMAPS diet and cooking everything from scratch bores me to death, I feel disappointed with the results of my efforts, and my inner rebel comes out screaming. What makes me so angry looking over this naughty snippet from my food diary is that compared to the “average” American, I still eat pretty damn healthy most of the time (except for those times I’m shoveling ice cream down my throat). And yet, for me, the following account tells the tale of an epic fail in the health department for my needy 27 going on 80-year-old body. Enjoy!

Day 1:

(After ending the gluten-free challenge a day early to make my cookie dough cravings shut up!):

Breakfast: 3 eggs fried in butter; 1 gluten-free homemade zucchini muffin; blueberries with dark chocolate

Lunch: ground bison with zucchini “noodles”, chopped red pepper, & tomatoes; banana with walnuts

Supper: “Creamed Tuna” (condensed mushroom soup mixed with a can of tuna, served over gluten-free chow mein noodles – don’t knock it ’til you try it!), a few baby spinach leaves; 12 oz DQ cookie dough blizzard (diary notes indicated that I had craved ice cream 11 out of the previous 22 days – my addiction alive and well 50% of the time!)

I usually eat organic ice cream with less nasty ingredients. My digestive horrors are always less when I eat that kind of ice cream. So why DQ? #1: Forced portion control – I WILL eat the whole pint of Ben & Jerry’s. I know this ahead of time when I buy it. It’s not about taste. It’s about the drug effect I get from eating it. Whatever amount of ice cream is in front of me, I will consume it regardless of fullness. #2: It’s cheaper. #3: There’s a DQ right down the street from me. I can only find organic cookie dough ice cream at a grocery store that’s way across town. #4: DQ uses soft serve ice cream which means less fat, more air and therefore, fewer calories. #5: A drug is a drug. There’s schwag (low quality) and chronic (top choice) weed, but they both will get you high. Ice cream is no different. As long as there is fat and sugar involved, fo’get ‘bout it.

Day 2:

Breakfast: 2 gluten-free homemade zucchini muffins with butter; banana with walnuts; 1/3 cup decaf coffee with homemade coconut milk

Lunch: “Creamed Tuna” leftovers + baby spinach

Supper: salmon stir fry with red pepper, red jalapeneo, radishes, broccoli, baby bok choy, baby spinach, germinated brown rice, toasted sesame oil, green olives; zucchini muffin; 4 chunks dark chocolate & blueberries

Day 3:

Breakfast: 2 gluten-free homemade zucchini muffins with butter; ½ banana with walnuts; 1 cup decaf coffee with homemade coconut milk

Lunch: salmon stir fry leftovers – (Started to feel uncharacteristically exhausted towards the end of work – did receive a flu shot the day before which may have been a contributing factor. I have a history of this kind of reaction.)

Supper: zucchini muffin; mini Kit Kat bar; 3 pieces of vegetarian thin crust taco pizza from Godfather’s (black olives, cheddar cheese, taco sauce, lettuce, tomato, onions) – (I felt like garbage after the pizza, which is typical. I actually wanted to get a salad from Qdoba but my husband was sick of burritos and is as addicted to pizza as I am to ice cream. After eating pizza, I often feel like I’m starving (because the meal is so high glycemic) and stuffed (because of all the empty carbs in the crust) at the same time. The flavor of the pizza was not amazing enough to make it worth it for me.

Day 4:

Continued exhaustion, uncharacteristically irritable/crabby, feeling depressed/antisocial – assuming an exaggerated case of PMS thanks to the ice cream. If you want to mess with your hormones, fill up on pounds of sugar and dairy (which is hormone heavy, regardless of whether or not it’s organic)

Breakfast: 3 fried eggs with dill & baby spinach leaves; small bowl of blueberries with walnuts; cup of strong decaf coffee (sounds like an oxymoron, I realize 😉 ) with coconut milk & a spoonful of sucanat

Slunch: corn on the cob; 1 piece of a Kit Kat bar (gave the other half to my husband – just like the commercials!); medium rare lamb chop with butter lettuce leaves; 12 oz DQ cookie dough blizzard (Ice cream monster back in the hizzzouse!)

Before bed: ½ bag lightly salted Snapea Crisps

Day 5:

Slept poorly

In the words of my good friend when referring to how to proceed once bad food decisions have already been made “Let’s just make it a shitty day!”…

Breakfast: Chocolate raised doughnut with sprinkles (I wanted to have coffee with it, but I was headed to work and apparently none of the coffee shops in my neighborhood like to open before 6:30 on Sundays – #firstworldproblems)

Snack: remaining ½ bag lightly salted Snapea Crisps

Lunch: 2 eggs fried in sesame oil with baby spinach leaves; small glass of orange juice; decaf coffee with homemade coconut milk & spoonful of sucanat

Supper: Naked vegetarian salad from Qdoba (with lettuce, black bean salsa (corn, red onions), brown rice, black & pinto beans, green salsa, & guacamole

After work: small soy caramel Tutti Fruity frozen yogurt with blueberries, raspberries, strawberries, & sliced almonds; small dark chocolate w/ caramel salted candy

Before bed: (My food diary notes preceeded with “BECAUSE I HADN’T EATEN ENOUGH TIMES TODAY. ALSO, STARTED MY DAY WITH A FUCKING DOUGHNUT”) ~1/3 sleeve of Saltine crackers with homemade red pepper hummus

Day 6

Slept poorly again

Breakfast: glass of orange juice

Lunch: Hoagie Hutt veggie sandwich on rye bread with lettuce, baby spinach, tomatoes, green peppers, red onions, pickles, banana & jalapeneo peppers, oil; plain kettle potato chips; 6oz DQ cookie dough blizzard (Just in case I have a severe ice cream deficiency. Your body only craves what it needs, you know!)

Raw red onions are probably my biggest nemesis. I was feeling extra adventurous and was curious to see how my body would respond, because I’ve done a pretty good job of cutting raw red onions out of my regular diet. I used to eat them EVERY SINGLE DAY on my subs. Yikes! My body responded a little better than usual. I had less brain fog afterwards. Unfortunately, that’s not saying much. My body ached, my eyes burned, I had a noticeable drop in energy, my stomach felt bloated as hell, and I got a headache. I also had facial flushing (the way your face feels when you drink too much wine). I assume the flushing was from the histamine of the pickled veggies (which I normally also avoid – Isn’t my life fun?! You’re jealous, I can tell.)

Supper: buffalo saffron soup with tomatoes, baby spinach, red & jalapeneo peppers, & purple cabbage.

After work/before bed: Ate ¾ pack Saltine crackers with LOTS of homemade red pepper hummus; glass of orange juice

Just call me Bloaty McGhee!

Day 7 (today)

Slept poorly again, again – 3rd time’s a charm! I think I’ll write a book entitled “Sleeping like Crap for Dummies” in case any of you are missing out on the insomnia fad and want to impress all your friends by getting with the times. Chapters will be dedicated to the following ways you can ruin your sleep: Stress/Anxiety, Poor Eating Habits, Lack of Exercise, Caffeine/Alcohol, Prescription/Natural Drugs/Supplements, Ignoring your circadian rhythm, Following a piss poor sleep schedule, & Hungry Incessant Meowing Cats/Barking Dogs/Crying Babies. The good news is that you don’t have to limit yourself to just one approach! It’s going to be a best seller. I can feel it.

Breakfast: 3 eggs fried in toasted sesame oil with baby spinach & dill; 16 oz (pulling out all the stops!) french vanilla cappuccino with heavy cream from Caribou Coffee (time to clean house, if you catch my drift).

Lunch: leftover buffalo saffron soup

Supper: not sure yet…it depends on how hungry I am after work & whatever sounds good

My intestines have, of course, been up in arms over the past week – horrible bloating, irritable bowel butt syndrome in full swing.

I assume some/all of my recent stint with insomnia can be attributed to blood sugar swings. My body be like Where did all of the glucose go? Panic! We are going to starve to death! Wake her ass up right now! I don’t care if it’s 5:30AM! This is an emergency! I KNOW I have sensitive blood sugar, and when you drink orange juice and eat almost an entire sleeve of refined flour crackers before bed, you’re just asking for it. That’s fair. I am asking for it.

Mind, body…can’t we all just…get along? I occasionally go on these mental vacations where I have to stop caring about how my body will respond to food and just eat whatever sounds good. How’s that turning out for you, you ask? Meh. It is what it is. My body is an annoyingly delicate flower and sometimes eating whatever the hell I want while accepting the consequences is just a part of my life. It’s also a way to measure and appreciate how far I’ve come. Now to get back on track…


2 Responses to “A Week’s Account of Dietary Rebellion Post-Restriction”

  1. tessatito September 28, 2014 at 11:57 pm #

    I’m sorry about your dietary woes but you make them entertaining and hilarious the way only you can. This made me miss you a lot but at the same time get my Justine fix. 🙂

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